You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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