I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
