I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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