He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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