So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
