So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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