He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
