Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
