I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Are we still banned from the library?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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