Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
