Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
