Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
