Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
