Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
