What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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