im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember whose house we're in?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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