She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize