I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
