Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
