i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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