no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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