I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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