Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
