Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
