idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize