I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I party with great urgency now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
