K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there's paper in my vomit.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
