he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
