I wish I could teleport
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
