it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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