I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize