During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Life without a bra equals bliss.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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