this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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