I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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