also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
