Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize