It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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