No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
