We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
