If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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