By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
