It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
