The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
