She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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