I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
