My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize