Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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