I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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