im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
