remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
