and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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