not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone came in the potted fern
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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