Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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