if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
