Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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