Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
