How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
