I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I deserve this hangover.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
