That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
