Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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