this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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