They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize