she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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