I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
