Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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