Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
