So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
