I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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