Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize