Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
