I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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