ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
