ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
