hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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