Are we in a gay sports bar?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
